“Depression: a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest.”
Unfortunately, today I have bad news: I do not have a book review to post.
I’m sorry and while I know that I don’t necessarily need to justify my lack of book review for a Monday, I feel like I should give one. This is not going to be a cheerful and optimistic post, it will be personal and contain sensitive topics, but according to my poll so far, people prefer reading posts on my life, although this is probably not what you had in mind.
The book I am currently reading took a little time to get into at first. Additionally, I haven’t had much time on my hands. This is due to my own problems as well as days out, mostly at friend’s houses, though there have been exceptions.
Last week I took another trip to Cotswold Wildlife Park. I had a lovely day out with my best friend, but I won’t be writing a post on my experience because I went earlier this summer and wrote about it here.
Today I spent the day at Cabot Circus in Bristol with the same best friend and my dad where I purchased a couple of products from The Body Shop in my favourite scent, strawberry, as well as my first ever MAC lipstick in the shade Russian Red.
As mentioned, I have been undergoing many struggles recently, some of which I don’t feel comfortable discussing online. I have been suffering with depression for the past four years, or at least that’s as far back as I remember, it’s difficult to pinpoint exactly. According to my mum I have always been this way.
In the past I had always coped by helping others cope with their own struggles and problems. This is because I felt like I had a purpose by helping people and this probably links to my interest in psychology. However, I have found everything to be a much bigger challenge in the past few months, so much so that being supportive towards them has proven difficult. I think that, to an extent, this is why I started my blog back up a few months ago. In the midst of exams, I needed something to keep me occupied and somewhat distracted from the bigger picture and I feel that writing posts on this blog has really helped me. I feel like it gave me a sort of purpose, a reason to wake up in the mornings, even if I just stayed in bed typing on the laptop. Having followers who depend on me to post regular book reviews and nail art posts etc. is what has motivated me to continue reading and nail painting recently, but I still find various tasks to be overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong, I still love reading and everything, I just haven’t been in the best mind set.
On the other hand, blogging has not helped me in the long term. I have been ignoring my problems and burying them amongst my blog posts so that I don’t have to face them. Around this time last year I was in a good place. I was about to start my third and final year of college and while I had no plans for after college, I was aware that I still had a year to make decisions. That year is now up and I honestly don’t know what I am doing. It’s amazing how much can change in a year.
I’m writing this post in the hope that you’ll understand if I miss a post every now and then. I am trying my hardest. I also hope that opening up will encourage you all to open up to those around you, or even anonymously online, about anything that is bothering you. I have three best friends, only one of which knows 100% of how I’ve been feeling as of late, and that was only a few days ago. If you struggle to talk, as I do, I find writing/typing a much easier alternative as I feel like I never make any sense when I talk.
I have made a decision regarding my other best friends that I am going to tell them what my other best friend knows. They share so much with me and I feel like I’m not honest enough with them in response. I’m scared because I have always been the strongest one in the group. I have always taken care of myself, so I’m not sure they all realise how far this all stems back. One of the important things I think to realise in these situations though, is that admitting you need help and support doesn’t mean you’re weak; it shows you are strong because you are willing to do whatever it takes to push on and carry on.
This was a rather spontaneous post I made, but I’m glad because without it I would have never come to the conclusion I did in the previous paragraph. I don’t usually post this kind of thing and I know it wasn’t exactly a pleasant read, but thank you for sticking around until the end.
I want you all to know that if you ever need someone to talk to about anything, my email is on my Contact Me page. I may not check it regularly at the moment, but I’m hoping to get into the habit of doing so.
I hope you are all having, or have had, a lovely day. I have an exciting post scheduled for tomorrow morning, so until then.