Distance.

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.” – Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook.

Now that we are a bit more settled into college/school life after the summer holidays it’s as if we haven’t left, however I have noticed certain indications that summer did take place and unfortunately, I’m seeing this reminder of summer as a disappointment.

Why?

Distance, of course. We can try, but there is only so much effort we can put in, in order to maintain a relationship with our friends if it is all only one-sided. As a result of this, I returned to college feeling rather cut-off and out of the loop. Everyone appeared to have remained the best of friends, except for me. I texted people and tweeted people, and sometimes I would barely get a reply and it hurts because I thought that last year I had finally found a group which I could properly be a part of. I have been a part of a few previous friendship groups in the past three years, in one I always felt quite insignificant when my best friend of the time was there and I only felt comfortable when she was off ill (which, looking back, doesn’t make much sense considering she was supposed to be my best friend). In another, I was fairly comfortable, but basically everybody in that group left to go to a different college, so unfortunately, we drifted apart. When I started college, I was apart of a big friendship group which consisted of about half of my first friendship group (the half which I liked) and other people who had gone to my school (these are the people that quite frankly, annoyed me and made me feel as though I’d rather be anywhere but there). The fact that I felt virtually invisible as a member of that last group, encouraged me to find other people which was exactly what I did. I found several good friends who welcomed me and they were lovely and funny and I felt like I belonged, but I suppose some people in groups are always closer to some than others, though since summer I’m not sure I have anyone I’m that close to in the group anymore. It’s horrible because now I’m back to that feeling of being like an outsider and I’m not helping myself as the past three days I have spent the final two hours of my days sat on my own reading Harry Potter instead of finding my friends and socialising.

I think I’m afraid of socialising. It’s like, I want friends, but I’m scared that people won’t accept me, or that we won’t have anything to talk about and I may as well be on my own so I isolate myself. My shyness really does not help this. I’m quiet and I absolutely hate speaking in front of lots of people. I can’t help it. I would much rather be in a small group of one or two extra people who will listen to me because I constantly feel ignored.

On one side, there’s me. I’m sat at a table with a book and secretly, I’m hoping someone might come and find me. Occasionally, I’m checking my phone in the hope that someone has sent me a message, asking where I am because they actually want to see me. Nothing happens. Then there’s a big gap. Space. Distance. A barrier between me and what I refer to as my friends. They’re sat on the other side of this gap, joking around and laughing. Talking about who knows what, not even aware of the fact that there’s someone who isn’t there: me. Because it doesn’t matter. People don’t really care. I’m just the girl that sits with them who never has anything to contribute because of my sorry excuse for a life which doesn’t have anything exciting or remotely interesting going on.

Is it so selfish for me to want friends that really notice me? I want  people who will keep in touch with me, who will talk to me, who will be aware of my presence if I’m sat right next to them. I don’t even need loads of these people – only one or two would be nice. I would be satisfied.

I feel as if I’m just meaninglessly drifting through life. I’m going from friend to friend, never finding anyone who I can really stick to because I go by, apparently, unnoticed, ignored.

“The scariest thing about distance is that you don’t know whether they’ll miss you or forget you.”

I suppose in my case, they forget.

Xxx

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